Grace Like Rain

My sweet Mason you have declared this past weekend your Birthday weekend! In honor of your birthday weekend I wanted to tell you the story of how you, my sweet boy, were brought into this crazy world.

I can remember waiting in the bathroom to see if I saw two lines on that dreaded stick. {be happy you won't have to do that ever!} My heart literally skipped a beat when I saw those two bright pink lines. Immediately, I was so excited to tell your brother and your dad. I knew just how excited they would be. I can remember laying in bed and praying that I would love you as much as I loved your brother. Sounds weird, I know. It's just a mommy thing. You know what my sweet boy? Jesus is so good and the love that I have for you is immeasurable. As you would say, "I love you way up to the sky were the birdies fly."

It was a crazy and long nine months but that's how long you needed to be in my belly so that you could be made perfect. I kept trying to plead with your doctor to take you earlier but the sweet talking didn't work. I couldn't wait to go to the hospital. I was so excited to know that I would go in with a HUGE belly and come out with my little tiny baby. 

Or so I thought.

All of your biggest fans were there as I gave birth to you. I will never forget that huge screech that came out of your tiny mouth. {How did you do that?} I was so relieved to hear it. I should of known from then on you would be a talker. The nurse laid you on my chest and I can remember feeling an immediate bond to you. I know this doesn't happen for everyone when they first have babies but with you, my love,  it was instant. 

I was so excited to get out of the hospital and get you home. I wanted us to be a family. I wanted your big brother to see you. I was so worried about being away from him. Your dad {even though he didn't want to} went home to stay the night with your brother. It was the compromise we made. I wanted to leave a day early from the hospital.  The doctor okay'd it but your dad wasn't too thrilled with the idea. {in hind site was totally a GOD thing} So, he had to go home to appease me and I was able to stay alone with you in the hospital. It truly was some of the sweetest moment of my life. Just you and I were all that matter in those very moments.

It was finally time to go home. Hallelujah. I put you in the nursery so I could jump in the shower before taking you home. I had my room cleaned, showered, make-up on, bags packed. All I needed was you. I knew your dad would be on his way soon to pick us up. I was giddy when leaving my room to go get you. I felt like I was skipping down the hallway. I remember even stopping by the counter to say "Hi" to the ladies working. They had been joking with me the entire time we had been there because I was always dressed in regular clothes with make-up on. 

I had NO idea that the next 10 steps would forever change me... as a mom, a wife and a believer.

As I looked in the nursery I saw a lot of nurses and commotion. It looked chaotic. I could tell that there was a baby who was not okay. I saw nurses running frantically to get things and so I waited and watched. All the while thinking how terrible this was. I started to get antsy and just wanted my baby. I then saw a nurse and explained how bad I felt for this little baby and wondered if I could tip toe in and get you. She looked at me {and I knew}. It was a look that to this day if I think about it I can tear up in seconds. She gently grabbed my arm and said, "Honey, that is your baby." As the words are slowly coming out of her mouth they begin CPR on your little body. I start crying uncontrollable. Dropping to my knees because my body felt limp. I truly couldn't stand. I begin to pray. It was more like pleading and begging. I had no idea what was going on or how it happened or what had happened. 

I begged to go in to see you. I thought for sure I could do something. I am your mom. I am supposed to protect you, right? You were fine when I put you in there. You stayed all night in the room with me. What could have happened? I start to demand answers. Another nurse tells me I have to go back to room. I do remember her telling me she would send some tea to my room to help calm me. {tea...seriously} I was so upset I couldn't even punch her. {kidding} I run to my room and call my mom. I couldn't breathe and couldn't get the words out to even say what was all going on. She knew it was serious. I just remember her saying, " Honey, pray. just pray. I am on my way."  I didn't want to call your dad because I knew he would drive 100 miles an hour to get here. But. I had to call. I tried to pull myself together and make it not seem like a big deal until he got here. Of course, the second he said hello I was hysterical. 24 hours before I was holding you and listening to you breath on me. Watching you yawn. Looking at you teeny tiny toes. Smelling you {you had the best baby smell} I was obsessed with every little part of who you were. I now found myself feeling alone, sitting in a still hospital room. I felt a pain that I can't explain. I was in my room waiting for your Daddy and Nana to get to the hospital. I sat in a chair by the window in the hospital room. I had my eyes closed and I was rocking back and forth sobbing and praying. I didn't know what else to do. 

Your dad made it to the hospital in like 10 minutes {we lived at least 20 min away}. You started breathing and you were immediately put in the NICU. They wouldn't let me see you for what seems liked days but was only a few hours. Every hour you were in the NICU seemed like years. Every hour was painful mentally, emotionally and physically. They ran tons of tests on you. You were hooked up to so many monitors. Had so many iv's sticking out of you. I can remember sitting at my {assigned} rocker and refusing to leave. I would just stare at you {and those darn machines}. Your dad would make me get up and walk around the hospital building. The weather was dreary but warmer than usual. I remember us walking outside and him saying, "No matter what is happening good or bad the world just keeps moving." We were amazed that the birds still chirp, kids still go running out to recess, parents go to work and yet are our baby almost died. It was a shocking reality to me. One that I had never realized or experienced in my 26 years of life.

One day at a time. One hour at time. One minute at a time. That was the only way I could cope. His grace is and continues to be sufficient. ⁹ But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. {2 Corinthians 12:9}

The nurses were amazing. I told them I wasn't leaving even if I had to sleep in the waiting room.  They gave us a open room {for free} and let us stay while you were in the hospital. Your dad did go buy them pizza every night so I am sure that helped. Nana took care of your brother. He loved it and thankfully had no idea what was going on. Your dad wouldn't leave my side. In the days that followed, your birth peeled back the many layers of our marriage and revealed to us a love so strong that even we were in amazed. 

Before we could take you home we had to go to lots of classes. We had to get certified in CPR. We had to learn how to use the heart machine, suction machine etc.. Finally, we were able to take you home. A day I had longed for, prayed for and rejoiced in. You had to be on a heart monitor 24/7 for weeks but I didn't care I had you home. In the days to come I didn't sleep much at all because I was so afraid you would stop breathing. I couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to you. I just had gotten you back. So, I would sit and just stare at you.

We had many, many doctors appointments in the days, weeks and months to follow. They came to the conclusion that it was a huge mucus plug. They had never seen it happen like this before. They said had I taken you home a day early {like I had originally planned but your dad refused to let me} you wouldn't be here. Even know as the tears stream down my face almost 4 years later I can see God's hand on your life. 

Even now your dad doesn't like to talk about it. But. I know one day you will ask me and one day when I am sitting telling your kids about you I want them to be able to see how Jesus had his hand on you from the beginning.  You my sweet boy are a gift. I knew from the very second I held you that you were something so special. To say that you have brightened our lives would be an understatement. What ever did we do before there was you? You have added a magic to this family that we didn't know existed. You have added a love and a joy that I never knew of. So, as we celebrate your 4th birthday tomorrow... know my love that you are loved far beyond what my little words could ever express. For now I will say this to you, " I love you way up to the sky were the birdies fly"!

Happy Birthday To You, My Blue-eyed Love,

{Mommy}