Sunday, August 1, 2010

Honeymoon Hell

Think back.

Wayyyy back for some more than others.

 I kid. I kid.

The day after you said your beloved "I do's".  Do you remember how excited you were to go on your honeymoon?  You had all of your sexy lingerie, your thong bikinis and your man.  What could be better right?


Inhibitions to the wind, we get off of our plane and soon we are at our luxurious Villa in the Riviera Maya. Yes, even a Mayan Shower (don't be dirty).  It was an outside shower and somehow know one could see inside the shower.  Kinda of like we were in the jungle or Survivor meets The Ritz Carlton.

Everything is going great UNTIL the dreaded excursion.  The plan is to go with a group to the ocean and Kayak then hang out on private island.  Sounds dreamy....


Of course I can hardly wait for this.  I know with Mr. Kayak by my side we are going to show all these chumps how it's really done.  Did I forget to mention Mr. Kayak is PETRIFIED of the friggin ocean and I have an issue with thinking I am the best at everything I do (shocking, I know) even if I NEVER in my life have been on a canoe, let alone a kayak.

We get in.... 

Everything starts out surprisingly nice.  Then we begin to drift and when I say drift I mean all six of the other kayaks are starting to look like ants because we are so off course.  You would think at this point the fact that we are Honeymooners and, hello, I have my thong bikini on that would mean we would work together and calmly figure out what we were doing wrong and head back to our group.


After crying, cursing, promising up and down that if we even make it alive (which I doubt we will because we are in the ocean and are going to get eatin by Jaws any second) we are NEVER and I repeat NEVER getting in another Kayak for as long as we both shall live.

Guess what?  We made it back to our group.  They were all waiting for us.  It was fabulous.

We are now at the private island.  White sandy beach, tiki bar and these amazingly fabulous hammocks.  Did I mention I was not speaking to Mr. Kayak because 10 minutes prior to that he almost killed me.
What's a girl in her thong bikini gonna do to relax?  You guessed it, relax on a hammock.  Of course I am acting like I am the hottest thing since slice bread.  I can see Mr. Kayak watching me.  I put one leg over the hammock, sit my booty down and all of the sudden this hammock seriously flips me over so fast  before I know it I am face first in the sand and completely mortified.  Did I forget to mention, I had so much sand in my mouth and eyes that I didn't realize half of my top came off?  I can here Mr. Kayak laughing so hard he can hardly catch his breath to ask me if I am okay.  At this point I would of rather had Jaws eat me.

I will be 80 years old and still laugh about that day.

Alright all of you love birds... Tell me some of your funny stories about your honeymoon.   I can't be the only one with a story.  Right?


  1. Your honeymoon story cracks me up every time I hear it! We didn't have anything too wild happen to us on our trip, but we did have some pranks pulled on us by Ryan's groomsmen......they stole all of Ryan's toiletries and underwear out of our luggage before we left on our trip...needless to say my hubby wore some HOT Jamaican (skimpy) underwear for our first night and smelled like (my) Lady Speed Stick deodorant...quite the turn on!

  2. I am cracking up right now...I love you girl. I've got a few:

    1. Instead of a bell hop to take our luggage, we had a foreign speaking, truck driving guy who had trouble shifting from 1st to 2nd gear - thus throwing our luggage off the back of his truck.

    2. We were going to have sex on the beach, so we wait until like 2am...head down and find a "romantic" spot between 2 palm trees out of anyone's immediate view.
    ** Skip ahead a few minutes **
    Man walks by and gets a FULL view of hubby's naked white butt - of course he makes a little throat clearing noise so that we KNOW he saw us.

    3. We were so, I mean cheap, that we hitched rides everywhere. One lady was a witch doctor type, then unknowingly we accepted a ride from a drunk...we quickly realized our error and prayed the entire way!

    Oh friends, there's never a dull moment with the Black's. And there are plenty more where those came from.


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