As he sits on my couch watching my boys play I look over and see him smile. He says nothing but he didn't have to. I knew. As we left to go fishing for the last time, I remember watching him teach my sweet Brady how to bait the hook. I watched him teach him how to cast and felt like I was 10 again. Now, as I run by that same little pond by my house I look out at the spot we stood at for the last time. I can see the exact spot. The same overgrown grass. I remember the day so clearly. If only I would of known. I still had so much to say to him. It's not even been two years since he has been gone. Yet, I still can't seem to figure out the whole grieving process. I don't talk much about it {at all}. It hurts too bad. So for me, I would rather not mention it. In fact it took me two different trips to pick out a card for Chris because I would start reading some and I felt this aching in my heart. So I would slowly put the card down and quietly leave. As if to pretend I wasn't even there. Then maybe that pain would go away? You wont see many tears from me yet while I write this it seems as though they wont stop running down my cheeks. Last night, I ran by the spot. Our spot. The last time I was with him. {when he knew I was there} The last time I heard his voice. That last time we laughed together and talked about stories from me and my sister growing up. I feel like I am forgetting the sound of his voice. I am forgetting the way he would squeeze me like every Dad does to their daughter. Oh I miss him. What I wouldn't give to pick up the phone and hear him on the other end of the line. What I wouldn't give to have him see my three little boys light up our house. What I wouldn't give for just one more fishing trip. One more I love you. One more I am proud of you. What I am learning through this is that although my father isn't here, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, is proud of me, listens to me and hears my cry. I am so thankful that for 30 years of my life I was able to love on my Dad and tell him so. So for me, tomorrow on Fathers Day, would you please wrap your arms around your Dad's neck and give him an extra squeeze for me?! One day you will look back and be so thankful that you slowed down, took the extra time and went the extra mile to simply tell your Dad...
I love you. xoxox
This is beautiful Maria. I wish had the right words to say to you, but I all I can say is I'm so sorry. I can only imagine the ache. Thank you for the reminder of what a blessing it is to have our parents in our lives. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh Maria, I am so sorry that you are hurting. But you are right that you *do* have a Heavenly Father who loves you and cares for you, and I hope that you can physically feel His peace and comfort. And please know that your friends are here too anytime you want to talk or cry...we care about you and I hope you never feel like you have to hide your pain from us! {Hugs to you}
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Thank you both for being so sweet! I truly appreciate it. I always feel 100% better after I write. xoxox
ReplyDeleteSo sweet Maria. I am so sorry that you lost your Dad and wish I could say something to make it all better for you. Know you are loved beyond measure and that your Dad is so proud of the wife, sister, sister-in-law, daughter, daughter-in-law and, most importantly, MOM that you are. Something tells me he looks down upon you and lights up! Love you!
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